I just knew I should have been a career criminal. I would most likely have made a total hash of it but I could always appeal and appeal and appeal. After posting my last Blog I came across the article about the Somali so, if you will forgive me, and I will get off crime next time around, here are the wondrous details.
We do not know his name. He is referred to only by initials. He arrived in the UK in 1994 aged 15 claiming asylum. In 1996 he was cautioned for shoplifting and jailed for robbery. In 1998 he received jail terms for possession of a knife, shoplifting, dangerous driving, burglary and theft, and for burglary and theft again in 2001. In November of that year he was informed the Home Office was considering deportation. Now the fun really starts. Keeping him in prison has already cost £300000 but in January 2004 he is jailed again for burglary and in April served with the deportation order. In October he was moved to an immigration centre pending deportation and to strop him from fleeing. In 2007 he was released and he is still in the UK because here is the tag to this hilarious joke – He has had legal aid the whole time and being kept at the immigration centre cost £40000 a year. So far he has cost the country half a million pounds. But now Judges have decided he was kept in the centre illegally for two months and is in line for compensation. Not only that but to send him back to Somalia would be to breach his human rights. Forgive me if I die laughing.
But home grown criminals get younger and younger. Most unusually an E-fit has been issued, not of a murderer or robber, but of a young boy. Alden Measure, aged ten, was knocked off his scooter and kicked in the head whilst on the ground because he wouldn’t let go of his toy the other boy wanted. Fortunately a passer-by intervened and the attacker fled empty-handed. The E-fit has been issued because there are no CCTV cameras in Portsmouth Park where the assault took place. But here is the second joke of the day. If the attacker is caught and found to be above the age of ten he is liable to face criminal charges, but if he is nine he will be below the age of criminality.
Poor Wayne Rooney, the footballer who has a five book publishing deal (last heard of it it was three but we’ll let that pass) is in hot water again. It’s not his prick that’s got him there this time but his dissatisfaction with Manchester United and urgent desire for a transfer plus a raise in weekly salary of course, like £200000? Sir Alex Ferguson wants to keep him at Old Trafford. Why? He hasn’t been exactly scoring goals of late, he is at odds with the management, and he has offended his team mates by making out they are not worthy of him. Do me a favour please! No one is indispensable no matter how big their head is (or their boots) and if he stays at United I can hardly see the atmosphere being conducive to camaraderie and good football. So far evidently three clubs are in the running to take on this maverick and, if I were Ferguson, I would say welcome to him; they are Chelsea, Manchester City, and Real Madrid. The last one is out because evidently his mother in law is not going to have her Colleen go live in Spain and, if he went on his own, how long would it be before his prick got him into trouble again? His sulky antics have already been dubbed Rooneygate. Well, I suppose it makes a change from footballers’ flavour of the month which seems to be getting pissed out of your mind in nightclubs, being charged for assault and touching up the girls who do not want to be touched up, no matter how rich and famous you are, using your best line by saying ‘Do you know who I am?’ and expecting them to swoon.
All it needs now is for some joker to post on the internet the rumour that Rooney is actually gay and the shit will really hit the fan!

Latest News: Rooney apologises to team mates, says Sir Alex is the greatest person who ever lived, and signs a new five year contract with United. Phew, what a relief!