Oranges, oranges, oranges: as though our trees aren’t giving us enough, Eleftheria has sent over a carrier bag full and another of mandarins. Goodness knows how many kilos Douglas has picked and, looking out my window, I see there is still masses of fruit on one of the trees. So I have started an orange wine, two gallons. Waste not, want not though there have been six demi-johns of wine in a corner of the kitchen waiting for yonks to be bottled. I brewed some orange wine a while back and it turned out a treat so hopefully this one will be just as good. As for marmalade, I think there is enough in the jam cupboard now to last me the rest of my life, and there is a continuous huge jug of fresh juice in the fridge so we’re getting plenty of vitamin C. The question of bottling though is a slight conundrum at the moment. In the old days in London or Yorkshire when making wine it was racked (or should that be wracked?) into glass bottles complete with corks and labels but since making wine in Crete it has gone into plastic which it seems is what everyone here who makes the local stuff does. Underneath the stairs there are a hundred unused glass bottles and Douglas has decided, if they’re never going to be used, to get rid of them. The conundrum though is I don’t have enough plastic to take about fifty bottles of wine and, even if I did decant it all where in the hell could I keep fifty bottles? The wine rack in the pantry is already full. I notice there is one last bottle of rhubarb wine, 1981. I had meant to open it for New Year but forgot all about it. It will be imbibed very soon I’m sure.

Have just finished going over and polishing ‘The Movieland Murders.’ Nobody has yet come up with a better title. I thought of calling it ‘Working Title’ but that has been shot down in flames because I am told the great unwashed wouldn’t know the expression. In the meantime Douglas has been busy proof reading ‘The Cinelli Vases’ and has designed a beautiful cover for it. Although they could still be described as comedy thrillers I feel these last two have much more of the novel about them which I am quite pleased about.

Snake oil salesmen still exist only on a much bigger scale. As I mentioned in a Blog sometime ago, our friend Ray Peters in London sends us newspaper cuttings and odds and sods he thinks we will be interested in, enjoy, be amused by, and amongst the latest is a real beaut as an Australian might say. “MAXIMUS penis enlargement pills”… what? Excuse me while I suppress a desire to laugh. “Gain up to 3 full inches in length. Increase your girth by 20%. Stop premature ejaculation. Produce stronger rock hard erections. 100% safe to take with no side effects. Doctor approved and recommended. No pumps, no surgery, no exercise. 100% money back guarantee.” This evidently is a massive breakthrough in Herbal Science. 20 specialised doctors have created a pill designed specifically for Male Penis Enlargement. Excuse me, but who or what apart from males boasts a penis? Here’s a bit more sales guff, “You will be absolutely amazed when you see your penis gradually becoming LARGER and LARGER right before your eyes! ( you sit there watching it I suppose, like paint drying) NOTHING compares to the feeling of having a larger penis.” You can have a 30 day supply for £34.90 (reduced from £49.90) up to a year’s for £295 (reduced from £598.90) postage, packing, and insurance £4.95. If you need a whole year’s supply can it really be that good?
This would appear to me to be on a par with the Nigerian scam asking for your help in recovering millions and offering you a share of the proceeds but it needs a certain amount of cash from you to get the ball rolling as it were.
Also in to-day’s package is an advertisement for “Remote controlled vibrating knickers!” And a butterfly cockring for twenty quid. What IS the world coming to? Peel me a grape, Beulah and order me one of each and, while you’re at it, a year’s supply of MAXIMUS!