Thursday, May 17, 2012

Doctor Dungu and Mama Bele

If the farts don’t get there first I wonder how many eons must pass before ignorance is eradicated on earth. I suppose the depressing answer is never. How long before the Vietnamese and the Chinese come to the realisation that rhino horn, at an estimated $55000 a kilo does absolutely nothing for a man’s sex life, that surgically extracted bile from a bear’s gall bladder by means of a permanent hole in the stomach does not and never has produced a miracle elixir. So rhinos continue to be killed and bears tormented for the sake of man’s cupidity and stupidity which brings me to what has started me off on this track: two leaflets I have received from South Africa. The power of the witch doctor is purely in the mind. Once upon a time a certain Mister Kellogg invented cornflakes because he thought it would stop the youth of America from abusing itself. Why he believed this is anybody’s guess. It was a complete failure of course but snake oil salesmen are still around particularly, it would seem in Africa and people are still willing to believe in them even though it is a well known fact that pigs don’t fly. The first leaflet is from Doctor Dungu and Mama Bele and, except for two small English announcements in boxes, is in Afrikaans. The gist of it is that Doctor Dungu and Mama Bele will increase the pleasure of your sex life, and the size of your penis, as well as solving any of life’s problems. The English in the first box reads, “OUR GUARANTEE INCLUDES  - Men of any age can gain 4cm or more in length and width. This system offers only advantages. No side effects reported in fourteen years of experience.”
The second box headed “3 in 1 penis” informs us:
1)      Size and thickness.
2)      Power. (Hardness and strong.)
3)      Stop early ejaculation and make more rounds (!)
4)      Are you diabetic, aged or have high blood pressure and its affecting your performance. (sic)
There are three addresses where you can find the good Doctor Dungu and Mama Bele. The consultation fee is R50 which is approximately 5euro and visiting hours are from 7.00AM TO 8.00pm seven days a week including public holidays. (I nearly wrote pubic and there’s a Freudian slip for you.)
Now the question that comes to mind, apart from the possible miracles, is how does the good Doctor Dungu to say nothing of Mama Bele manage to be at three addresses at one and the same time between the hours of 7AM and 8PM seven days a week? Maybe there are actually three Doctor Dungus and three Mama Beles.
The second leaflet is from the “Healing Tree Herbal Shop” and this one is in three languages; English, Afrikaans, and an African language. It could be Zulu or Xhosa or Shangaan or any of the African languages but that I don’t know I’m afraid. Anyway, the English section tells it all and this is how it goes – MARRIAGE CONSULTANT  MAAMA AFRICA – If you have failed with other Doctors, please come to us. With God nothing is impossible.
We have medicine that solves the following problems

Cleansing the evil and bringing Good Luck
All male sexual problems/Impotence
Weak erections, low sex drive and enlargement
Rejoining broken relationships (binding Lovers) forever
Protecting you’re (sic) business and home from Witches and Thieves
Court problems (all cases winnable and guaranteed).  So I am discovered in flagrante delicto committing murder and you guarantee to get me off? Sounds good.
All Pregnancy problems (wanted and unwanted).  Is there such a thing as a wanted pregnancy problem?
Clean your debts and recover lost properties
Don’t know why you can’t keep money?
And here is the truly scary bit – “Safe Abortion.”
And if you believe any of that then that is most certainly the reason why you can’t keep your money.

1 comment:

Lewis said...

You might add some others I've seen, including: Making policeman look other way.Making children be good in school,
Making lobolo stay in family.
The cops are terrified to do a thing, as white policemen are almost a thing of the past, and the remaining police are as criminal as the villains.