Some years back, 2000 in fact, a friend sent me the following which I discovered whilst having a sort out and which I pass on to you with the hope that you will find it edifying even if you don’t, or can’t, for example if you live on the top floor of a high-rise block of flats, follow all the commandments – but Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Tea Party members please take particular note.

Laura Schlessinger is a radio and television personality who dispenses advice to people who call in on her shows. Recently she became a convert to Judaism and is now Baalat T’shuvah. She has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her. But even better, this was an open letter to her posted on the internet –

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However I do need some advice from you regarding some of the specific laws and how best to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24) The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev.25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am, I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev.11:10) it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20:20 or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed including the hair around their temples even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife wearing garments of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,

Aaron.