Global Warming

Global warming, the hottest subject of the day (no pun intended) what is the cause, that is if it is actually happening and not simply scaremongering by the powers that be or meteorologists suffering a fit of the angst? No, guys and dolls, it really is happening. The temperature is rising, not exactly at an alarming rate just now (that’s South African parlance) but worrying nevertheless and it will get to the point where the planet will become uninhabitable. Is it a perfectly natural phenomenon that happens every so many years and, when it reaches its maximum, will the earth start to cool off again possibly to another natural phenomenon, an ice age? Well I am here to tell you global warming is actually happening and would you like to know why? The answer in one word is - FARTS!

No, I kid you not, that is the real reason for it and scientists have proved it? How? I will elucidate in a moment but in the meantime consider this – how much methane do you suppose is generated by the farts of cattle by the billion, horses, mules, donkeys, pigs, goats, sheep, dogs, cats, camels, yaks, bison, wildebeest, zebras, elephants (how did Noah and his family exist on the ark without air-conditioning and odour eaters?) and so many more? But that is as nothing compared to the methane released into the atmosphere by the farts of nine billion human beings.  Nine billion and counting! Or is it seven? Whatever, in another twenty-five years there will be eleven billion all merrily gobbling up the earth’s resources and farting away fit to bust. And there you have it. That is, without any doubt, the real reason as to what is causing global warming. It’s not the internal combustion engine, not aeroplanes, ships, trains, buses, lorries nor cars though their number may be legion, it is not the heat sent out by quadrillions of light bulbs, advertising signs, fridges, freezers, and air-conditioning units, television sets, movie projectors,  central hearing, no none of these things. It is entirely down to human farts. And just how have I come to this conclusion? Well, according to British scientists a previous global warming was caused by the farts of the giant dinosaurs known as sauropods. They studied farts made by cows and then calculated from the cow’s size as compared to the size of the dinosaur the amount of methane a poep would produce. They worked out the dinosaurs would have farted out 520 million tonnes of gas every year. How they actually arrived at this calculation is anybody’s guess but my guess is they were somehow spot on. Evidently according to the experts from Liverpool, Glasgow and London University the gas was caused by microbes living in the dinosaurs’ guts. How they actually discovered this without getting inside a dinosaurs tummy is a scientific secret known only to themselves; and just why is methane so dangerous? Well it is a “greenhouse gas” that absorbs radiation from the sun and traps it in the earth’s atmosphere thus causing global warming. So there you have it. I always thought the world would end not with Armageddon but would be submerged in a quagmire of shit and this time there would be no Noah’s ark to the rescue. I guess I was wrong. The farts will get there first.